12:40 p.m., 2004-10-12
In my dreams last night, I called Ryan over and over to tell him to come to me. He finally did come, but said he wanted to take a shower. I let him in the bathroom and waited in my room, playing solitaire for a really long time. When I went to check on him, his dirty clothes were in the bathroom, but he had left. I was sad, because he never even came to say goodbye to me, he just disappeared.
I went to his parents house to talk to his dad, but he was out. I called my uncle Danny's cell phone for advice, but he was with Ryan and Ryan's dad, and was starting to believe I was a horrible person for all the mean things I've done and said to Ryan. I was really sad.
I went to Mr. Brady's small hardware store and there was a crowd of people because the lower level of the store contained a logging relic, and Trin was there, and we talked a bit but she was mad at me for bothering to chase after Ryan. She said she never did think it was a good idea for me to get involved with him, and that made me cry so I left.
I went home and Ian was playing video games with Tyler, and they said Ryan had been by while I was gone and had left some stuff in my room for me. I opened my door and my room was full of things I had given Ryan, and almost anything it seems like I had ever borrowed or touched. He had given everything back, and my room was practically full. I got really upset and I got in my car and drove away with no real destination in mind.
I stopped at the Suisun marina and climbed over the safety rails to be on the water. I sat on a dock with my feet submerged and cried my tears into the water. And they just never stopped.
