6:14 a.m., 2004-10-10
I don't know what to do. The thing that dominated my thoughts at work last night was that you can't have a relationship that the family doesn't support. Not if family is something that you value. I could lie and say that everyone in my family loves every aspect of Ryan, his actions, and his personality. But they remain upbeat, even if they can still remember how their young loves turned out. Ryan's family...Ryan's mom, really. I can't ever get a read on her. His dad is so open and outgoing...it's a comfort, and he always makes me feel welcome.
Ryan's mom is not very..warm, sometimes. I think in part it's just her nature, a bit more reserved or what have you. But sometimes I get the feeling like she...doesn't approve of me or that perhaps she's just pretty sure we won't work out. It's silly I guess, but I do worry about how they feel about me.
I guess Ryan talked to his mom last night, and what she said made me...sort of angry and sort of sad. the things that we have been through...in his first year of college when we worked through the darker days of his illness together and I promised that I would never give up on helping him and maintaining the view of the future so he could work through those moments...
I have given myself completely to bettering both of us so that the future can be bright. I have been completely, totally committed...and he is just supposed to remember that he doesn't have to committ until he is actually married. That makes me sad.
I know things have been crummy lately. But the way I see it is that we spent all last year together, way more than we were before he went to Arizona the first time...that took an adjustment period and it was hard, and this is just harder. We were together consistently, and it's hard to go from that to not seeing each other at all. It sucks, actually...but it's doable. We just need to work past this initial hump and it will get better. I know I say a lot of things in hurt and anger, but we do work through our problems quickly and we both admit our fault when we're wrong.
If Ryan truly did want to date other people..I suppose if it would make him happy then it would be the right thing to do. If he were to wake up in five years with what-ifs then it wouldn't be a healthy outcome. But perhaps if he needed to get..that...out of his system. I don't know, I guess his mom just wanted to point out the fact that we're not married so he shouldn't feel "stuck" with me, or to remind him that there are other options. I don't know...it just makes me feel really sad.
I think I'd be really sad if I had to lose him and wait for him to go through some relationships to decide this is the one, because then there's always the opportunity for something to change between us, for it to simply not be right anymore. Or he finds someone great and forgets about what we had. I mean, perhaps that is just the way it's supposed to work out, and I would find someone else in time as well...but it wouldn't make it any less painful.
It doesn't make it less painful to think about. Above all, though, I want him to be happy, and to reach his goals. Perhaps it just isn't supposed to happen in the way I thought and planned. :(
