5:00 p.m., 2004-09-25
My spirit has been crushed. After all that has happened this week, nothing has changed.
There was another lie, another imcomplete truth. Another wrenching feeling inside of me, and assurance that I can't do this anymore.
He says that he will change because he sees now. I said he already should have, when I expressed so clearly and clearly in so much pain how I felt about it just a few days ago. Why do things have to get to the absolute worst before he decides to change?
And really, could I handle it if this is just more talk to soothe me? What if it is?
I just can't go on with this. I told him that, I told him I am done. I don't think he got it, or maybe he just refused to acknowledge that he understood.
I feel...so sad. Why did he lie to me again? Why did he make excuses to get off the phone with me that covered up for the real reason? Why can't he understand my hurt?
I feel so alone. I feel like I never really understood him, and I feel like this is the last thing I would have thought him capable of. But, it shows how time reveals things in new and sometimes unpleasant light.
I don't know. I should be sleeping for work now. He will probably read this while I sleep, if he gets home in time I guess. He may be gone beyond all reasonable hours...he already is. But if he reads it, he will think that it will blow over. He will think that by changing things now it will make all the difference. He doesn't see or nderstand that a lot of damage has already been done. Emotionally...I have been stripped of everything in the last week.
I'm not sure things will blow over. I'm not sure I can let them for fear of what comes next. I'm...still in shock that he could even...think that it would be okay for one more little lie, or this even would have been the end if I had not called back. But how could he not see?
I'm so...tired. I'm at the end of my rope, I told him, and I think I just cut him off.
