6:41 a.m., 2004-09-25
This has been a ridiculously "blah" week for me, including two very awesome tests. Not to mention the fact that..I don't know. Ryan and I are not well.
It's just been a lot of unkept promises and half-truths and flat-out lies. And hurt feelings, plenty of those.
And, frankly, I don't care if he gets a job. He's got a lot going on with school and that's his first priority, finally, as it should be.
But don't talk out of one half of your face how great it will be when I'm there and how you want me to move out there as soon as possible and then don't even make an effort to realize the "plans."
I mean, I have a very stable family setting here. What right now would make me want to move a thousand miles away? Or even in the spring, I have been given no proof that it is even worth my time to be thinking about it, let alone working towards it.
I don't know, I just feel like he's expecting a lot from me and not really giving me anything substantial right now. I keep telling him to take some space until he's figured himself out, and then I hear from him after a short while and he's says more confusing, unclear, or even hurtful things.
Sometimes temporary silence is the answer, at least until he can get himself straightened out enough not to be hurtful.
I don't know. In other matters, I still feel justified in thinking that playing Dungeons and Dragons for nearly twelve hours in a single day is excessive and unnecessary, but I don't think I will change he's thinking on that for all the tea in China.
I honestly think it's kind of a lame passtime, but I'm willing to go with the flow of it in moderation. So he told me that when we live together he'll change it, but he's not going to now.
That's...not very comforting. And still it gives me no reason to be working so hard towards a goal that is so frightening anyway. And that's the thing, it would be a big step even if things went off without a hitch. And here are so many stupid obstacles it's a "what is even the point" situation.
I don't know. And it's not that I don't care for him as much or love him as much, I am just so very frustrated and it's not getting much better. Luckily he's still keeping up with his schoolwork and it's seems like he's getting enough sleep and eating healthily...so it's not going all bad.
And on my end things are decent as well, just not within the context of our relationship.
I'm not really...coherent right now. It was a long night at work, but these were the things that occupied my mind and I felt I needed to get them out so I could sleep more soundly.
